How to Be Your Own Valentine

“You don’t want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.”

I am 10 and have never heard truer words. I clutch the remote and turn up the volume on Sleepless in Seattle, letting the fantasy sweep me away for the third time that week.

If you’re unfamiliar with this '90s American staple, Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks are destined lovers who, through a series of invisible strings, end up meeting at the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. It’s all very romantic and aching and borderline delusional: “I knew you would be here.”

I'm all in. 

I tell myself that one day I will live in New York City, and that I, too, will be pulled along a path of destiny that will eventually lead me to the Empire State Building on February 14th. 

This idea wasn’t just a passing thought. It was a refuge. A means of survival. I clung to the notion that I could have a movie love, too. It pulled me out of the darkness. It saved me when I needed it most. 

A decade later, the prophecy sets into motion. I land in New York City, bright-eyed and determined to make my life a '90s rom com. And I do a pretty good job of it, at first. But on a subconscious level, an unrealistic expectation was playing out. A part of me believed something outside of myself could make me feel worthy of love, and this unconscious belief led me into situations where I felt I had something to prove.

It would take another decade for me to learn that what I really wanted had nothing to do with the Empire State Building. The longing I felt was something no person or city could ever fulfill. It clawed at me, ruthless and wild. The wounded child in me begged me to face what I once could not, until I had no choice but to start listening. Her truth was devastating. It set me free.

For some, Valentine’s Day is just another day. They check the mail, squeeze lemon into their tea, and life moves along the sacred river. For others, today feels tender, or lonely, or painfully sharp. And then there are those who feel these things deep inside, but pretend they don't.

Wherever you are, it’s okay. But if you're suffering today and want to release yourself from what's weighing you down, here are some tips:

How to Be Your Own Valentine

1. Walk away. From anyone and anything that makes you question your worth. Do not linger in spaces where you feel your love comes at a cost. Choose yourself.

   
   

2. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the awareness you had. Stay soft.

   
   

3. Breathe. We are in turbulent waters—rights are being stripped, dangerous people are in office, an asteroid could hit Earth. Breathe. Come back to awareness. The breath is the quickest way out of fight or flight. Slow, deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which lowers your heart rate, decreases your blood pressure, and regulates your cortisol levels. In other words, by taking two extra seconds to inhale, you train your brain & body to slow down. Through breath, you break the cycle. You empower yourself.

   
   

4. Move. Your body, not to another country. (Though, these days, it’s certainly tempting.) But no matter where you go, your internal work will follow. Ground yourself, instead. Build strength. Create space within. I’m biased, but might I suggest yoga??

This is the way home. You don’t need to go to the Empire State Building. You don’t need sugar or wine. You definitely don’t need to dig up graves (may the dead rest in peace.) 

Tomorrow is another day. But right now, you’re here, and here is a beautiful place to be.

Happy Valentine’s Day 🩷

"It's not going to be like in the movies. It's going to be better, because it's real." - Sleepless in Seattle